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I have a nine-year old golden retriever, Duke, who, with sufficient incentive, typically a food treat, learns new tricks all the time. It's all about motivation for Duke, and he seems to get that, instinctively. The ability to learn new tricks parallel, between old dogs and men, is intended to disparage men, not dogs.
Everyone accepts dogs and their goofy behavior because no one really expects much from them. They love us no matter how dysfunctional we might be as long as we feed and care for them. There are few exceptions to this rule.
Men don't seem to be as exempt from the old dog/new tricks paradigm because they've been hammered for so long about their behavior that the notion of men ever learning a new trick seems far-fetched. That's tragic, because it isn't true, and it discourages men from trying to grow, emotionally. It lets men off the hook, but it doesn't exonerate them. In fact, men are frequently bashed because they have been slow to embrace new skills.
When women roll their eyes and joke about how lame men are in terms of emotional growth, it perpetuates an old myth and guaranties its continuation. It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy that women have contributed to, based on their past experiences, and men have proven correct by failing to live up to their potential. This is a lose/lose proposition for everyone. When men are repeatedly made to appear foolish and inept, there's no encouragement for change.
I'm a profound supporter of men, and in particular, men who make the effort by pushing their old limits to achieve the highest version of their manhood. This ability is in every single man and only needs gentle prompting to become actualized.
I urge women to encourage their men through positive reinforcement. I urge men to do the work and learn the new tricks that are awareness and control of their emotions.
Here's a good exercise that women can do with men that will help men move up the emotional awareness and control ladder.
Most men would admit that women are far more emotionally aware than they are. Since men already feel somewhat second-rate about having an emotional dialogue, they have to feel safe in order to become actively involved. A woman might suggest to her guy that whatever he shares with her about his feelings will never be judged, or subjected to her opinions. She might further let him know that she appreciates that his expressed feelings are his absolute truth and that she will respect that truth, no matter the consequences.
This guarantee can go a long way towards making a man feel safe about sharing his feelings. He will sense that his feelings are being honored and respected. He will have learned a new trick. It's that simple. Try it this weekend. Be sure you have this conversation in a quiet, private space. That will reinforce his sense of safety.
For twenty years, author and lecturer Ken Solin has helped men move beyond the issues that limit their lives. Both men and women follow Ken since his work is primarily about relationships.
Ken's website, http://www.kensolin.com/ is filled blogs about real life problems.
There's a frank, gritty, 42 minute television pilot about men that will surprise men and women alike.
There's also book excerpts from Ken's new, soon to be published book, Eight Angry Men.
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