The President Obama-Warren Buffet Relationship - Coincidence or Conspiracy?

The following is strictly hypothetical. It is not based on any hard core evidence or findings or investigations. It is strictly conjecture.

But it is logical conjecture, based on the coming together of a large set of circumstances. These circumstances could be strictly coincidental or just another instance of Obama administration cronyism and political maneuvering for political gain, not the best interests of the nation.

Let's start with Warren Buffet. We know that over the past month or so, he has come out strongly in support of President Obama's irrational fixation with increasing the tax burden of the wealthy in this country, claiming that on a percentage basis, he pays less in Federal income taxes than members of his staff.

This obviously has added some degree of credibility to the President's call for higher taxes in the midst of a recession with some voters. Never mind that this is a lame economic policy to pursue while on the brink of another recession and even if it was implemented, it would have an infinitesimally small impact on the nation's financial situation.

Also, within the past month, late August, Warren Buffet announced that his company would invest $5 billion in Bank Of America. There was universal consensus in the press that this was a sweet financial deal for Buffet, given the terms of the deal, as highlighted in a New York Times article on August 25, 2011:

Buffet's company, Berkshire Hathaway, will get special preferred stock for its $5 billion investment.
This special stock will pay a guaranteed annual 6% dividend, a great/impossible return in these difficult economic times for most individual Americans and companies.
This 6% is guaranteed forever, until Bank Of America goes out of business, or until Bank of America decides to buy back the shares at a 5% premium.
If Bank Of America does go out of business, Buffet's company would be first in line in any bankruptcy proceedings, ahead of all other creditors, in retrieving part of its investment back.
Berkshire Hathaway also received warrants for 700 million common shares of Bank Of America stock at $7.14 per share, good for the next ten years. I believe this means that anytime in the next ten years, Buffet's company can buy up to 700 million common shares of Bank of America for $7.14 even if the market price of the price of these common shares are substantially higher. For example, if the stock price is $14.14 in two years, Buffet can buy 700 million shares at only $7.14 and instantly be almost $5 billion ahead on his investment, exclusive of the 6% annual dividend.
In fact, an online article from a local Charlotte, North Carolina business journal, the hometown of Bank Of America, estimated that if Bank of America stayed in business for three years and attained a stock price level that it had as recently as 2010, then Buffet's $5 billion investment would grow to $9.9 billion in three years. This comes out to an annualized return of just over 25%, not too bad in these dire economic times.

Obviously a sweetheart deal for Buffet's Berkshire Hathaway company.

But why would Bank Of America do such a deal? Probably because Bank of America is not doing well financially, again as reported in the New York Times article cited above and other news sources:

Bank Of America's common stock price was down over 30% just in the month before this deal was done, is down more than 50% in 2010, and down almost two thirds since 2010.
The bank is under intense investigations over its foreclosure practices.
Its mortgage division has run up billions of dollars in legal fees and defaults on all mortgages are not expected to let up anytime soon.
The whole mortgage mess was the main reason behind the bank's $8.8 billion loss in its financials in the second quarter of this year.
The financial losses have caused bank management to focus on selling assets such as some of its international credit card divisions and to downsizing its workforce, including 3,500 job cuts it announced in late August.

This is obviously a company under duress. However, an investment from an investor as widely respected and followed as Buffet adds a tremendous amount of credibility to Bank Of America's public assertions that it is moving in the right direction and that it will survive as a viable financial institution going forward. Short term, the strategy seemed to work in late August as the stock price initially jumped 25% and then settled down to an 8% increase. This move also juiced other financial stocks.

Thus, in the short term, Bank Of America got a positive jolt of confidence and share price increase by Buffet's investment.

Now, where does President Obama fit in? Obviously, the only thing that this President is currently focused on is how to get himself re-elected in November, 2012, the rest of the nation's problems being only a secondary priority. Imagine what would happen if Bank of America continued to free fall financially, so much so that its collapse was imminent:

As the largest, or one of the largest banks in the nation, and world, depending on how you measure, a collapse of Bank Of America would have catastrophic economic implications, no doubt throwing the country and the world into another deep recession.
Its collapse would bring into doubt the viability and stability of all financial institutions.
This situation would surely freeze up credit markets, making business expansion and growth next to impossible.
No business expansion means stagnant or deteriorating unemployment rates and increasing mortgage defaults.
The effectiveness of one of Obama's big legislative victories, the Dodd-Franks financial reform law, would be called into doubt if such a catastrophic bank crisis could arise within a year or so of the legislation being passed.
Citizens, and voters, would have no appetite for another round of bank bailouts even though too big to fail has become even a bigger problem under Obama's watch.

In other words, the economy would be imploding just months before the Presidential elections, certainly dooming his overarching need to get re-elected.

Thus, is it all coincidental or is it, in fact, all related? From a conspiracy perspective, was there a mutual beneficial society troika (troika - any group of three persons, nations, etc., acting equally in unison to exert influence, control, or the like) formed between Buffet-Obama-Bank Of America:

Obama has to prevent Bank of America from going under at all costs from an election year perspective.
He calls Bank of America's leaders and says he can get them both a cash infusion and a credibility infusion but it has to be made worthwhile, financially, for that investor to come forward.
He then calls Warren Buffet up and says he can get Buffet a sweetheart deal down at Bank Of America, a deal that would guarantee a sweet annual rate of return, would hold the promise to make billions more, and would minimize his downsize risk by moving Buffet's company to the head of the line of creditors in case of a bank default.
In return for some easy, low risk money, Buffet needs to do a little politicking for the President's irrational "tax the rich more" platform and maybe host a few re-election fund raising dinners with Buffet's rich friends.
Everybody involved in the troika is a winner. Buffet gets a great financial deal, Bank of America gets at least some temporary relief, financially and confidence wise, and the President averts an economic disaster and gets some PR help on his tax plan.

Just a conspiracy theory but not a far fetched conspiracy theory, based on the Obama administration's past relationships with other corporations to further the President's personal political needs at the expense of the taxpayer:

- Most people should be familiar with the disaster that is Solyndra, the California solar panel company that went out of business and took over half a billion dollars of taxpayer money with it. This money came out of the President's economic stimulus program, a program that legally required the U.S. taxpayer be first in line to recover assets and money if a company which received stimulus funds went out of business.

However, it now appears that the Obama administration moved a private investor in Solyndra ahead of the U.S. taxpayer in bankruptcy arrangements. This private investor has been a big contributor and fund raiser for Obama in the past. Conspiracy or coincidence?

- LightSquared is a communications company that wants to build out a satellite wireless communications system. However, there is concern that its technology will have a severe interference impact on civilian and military GPS signals. Thus, Congress scheduled hearings to determine if this was the case and whether the LightSquared effort should be blocked.

A Pentagon general was set to testify in front of a Congressional committee and was to testify that yes, indeed, LightSquared's technology would interfere with Defense Department communications. However, it is alleged, and the General testified to the fact, that the White House tried to get the General to falsely testify that military communications would not be impaired. Turns out that the owner of LightSquared was also a big donator and fund raiser of President Obama's past elections efforts. Conspiracy or coincidence?

- According to a September 23, 2011 article from Politico, in early October, Tom Carnahan will host a $25,000 per person fundraiser for the President's re-election campaign. The Carnahan family has long been a Democratic Party power in the state of Missouri. The article also explains that Carnahan is the owner of an energy development firm, Wind Capital Group, which has received a $107 million Federal tax credit from the Obama administration to develop a wind power facility in Missouri.

Even if no quid pro quo was involved, the appearance of conflict of interest is just as bad as an actual conflict of interest. It just smells bad that someone who gets free Federal tax treatment turns around to host fund raisers for the administration that granted the tax credit. Just a smelly affair. Conspiracy or coincidence, or in this case, a severe conflict of interest?

- And finally, our favorite conspiracy or coincidence company, General Electric. Jeffery Immelt, the Chairman of General Electric always seems to be with the President. He is the chairman of the President's economic council and gives the President credibility that he is a friend of business. Immelt has been a big fund raiser and contributor to previous Obama campaigns.

However, General Electric gets benefits also. The President has not moved to change the tax laws that specifically benefit GE, which allowed the company to generate billions in profits, pay no Federal income taxes, and receive a multi-billion dollar Federal income tax credit in 2010. When GE received TARP funds a few years ago, the program that was supposed to bail out financial firms, GE executives did not have to abide by executive pay restrictions like all other TARP recipient firms.

If it has not already, it would not be a surprise of GE's wind turbine division received some kind of favorable tax treatment, to the American taxpayer's detriment, from the Obama administration in the future. Conspiracy or coincidence?

Even if there are no conspiracies involved, the whole situation just smells. The relationship between politicians, elections, and Federal taxpayer money is way too entangled to avoid even the appearance of conflict of interest.

Three changes to our political processes are needed to minimize these conflicts of interest int he future:

- We need to reduce Federal government spending by 10% a year for the next five years. This would reduce our debilitating national debt and reduce the amount of money floating around that politicians can misdirect to their favorite re-election supporters, at the expense of ordinary taxpayers.

- Second, we need to prohibit anyone or any organization from contributing to an election campaign unless it is an individual American. No more corporations, PACs, or unions contributing to politicians' campaigns in hope of getting taxpayer wealth, in whatever form possible, in return.

- Finally, we need to impose term limits on all Federal politicians. Most of these shenanigans occur when a politician wants to get re-elected. By restricting them to one term and on term only, much of the conspiracy, coincidence, and conflicts of interest would disappear, helping to purify the original intend of our election system.

Conspiracy or coincidence? It would make for a good political thriller but it makes for a lousy way to run a country and a government.

Walter "Bruno" Korschek is the author of the book, "Love My Country, Loathe My Government - Fifty First Steps To Restoring Our Freedom and Destroying The American Political Class," which is available at http://www.loathemygovernment.com/ and online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Our daily dialog on freedom in America can be joined at http://www.loathemygovernment.blogspot.com/.

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When Is It Ok To Lie In A Relationship And When Is It Not?

You wake up in the morning and look across to the person you say you care for more than any one in the world. What do you really think about this person? Does he/she immediately fill you with love and adoration or are you thinking terrible or maybe even contemptuous thoughts about that person.

You get up and go to the shower in preparation for the work day. You weigh yourself and realize that you have put on a few kilos. You say to yourself "Oh, that's just because of the extras I had at dinner last night. It will be OK".

You sit down to breakfast and find yourself wishing your partner were different somehow. If only they'd dress differently, act differently, weren't so selfish, paid better attention to you or whatever it is. You don't say anything.

You go to the office and find yourself seeking out that one special person who is always so nice to you. You flirt with them and find yourself requesting or agreeing to meet after work for drinks. Over time this leads to more regular meetings until one day this becomes more serious. You convince yourself this is not an affair but just a "bit of fun" that you can control and that no-one is being hurt by it.

And then one day you lose the control and the innocent flirting becomes a one-night-stand, the one-night-stand becomes a fling and the fling becomes a full blown affair that now seems to have a mind of its own.

You have reached the point of no return and you realize you are now in really deep trouble.

How many lies were told in this story?

The truth is we all lie sometime and most of us lie most of the time.

We lie to ourselves about what is going on in our life and we lie to ourselves about what is going on in our relationships. And we lie to each other about what is going on in our relationships as well.

The lies are expressed in one of two ways; either by what we actually do say but most often the lies are expressed by what we don't say.

So what should you do when you find yourself lying or catch someone out in a lie?

I often get asked questions about lying. When is it OK? When is it not? What to do when you find someone has lied to you? Should you forgive a lie?

The answer is not as simple as it might appear. You might be thinking that you simply should never lie. But as Allan Pease, in his book "Body Language", says; to be socialised is to lie.

In other words every day we are confronted with situations, such as the first utterance we make when greeting someone, when we say: "how are you?" (As if we really care). The inevitable reply is: "fine thanks, how are you?"

We say this when what we'd really like to say is something like: "I feel terrible; the kids are mucking up, my husband does nothing to help me, and I'm fed up." Or for the man who might really want to say; "I'm so over it. I work hard to provide for my family and there's no thanks when I get home; just nagging to do more around the house and for the kids."

This response would be heard as complaining and, while it might be the truth, is most often not aired in public.

So what about the lies that should never be told?

This is how I advise my clients. If you have done something wrong for which you think you should tell the truth about ask yourself these questions first.

1. If I tell the truth about this for whom am I doing it? If it's just about my own feelings of guilt - then think carefully about the good of that for the other person. If it's because they really deserve to know then you must tell the truth.

2. If I tell the truth what good will it do? If it means an opportunity to start afresh then you must tell the truth and deal with the consequences as they come.

3. If I tell the truth what do I want as the outcome of doing that? Keep that outcome in mind to give each of you a chance to get to that rather than having the truth lead you to a place of regret.

And here are a couple of things you can do to help you both get to the best outcome.

1. Create a good place and time for the conversation to happen.

2. Alert the person to what it is you want to talk about prior to the meeting so they can prepare themselves for it.

3. Before saying what you want to say in truth, let the other know how you would prefer for them to respond eg "There is something I need to let you know, and I hope that once you've heard it you will be able to find forgiveness for me so that we can continue our relationship."

4. Be willing to forgive yourself and the other person for any part they had to play in the situation that led to creating the lie in the first place.

So until next time - Relate with Love

Lidy Seysener

About the Author

As a qualified Counselor, Lidy Seysener specializes in helping individuals and couples make the most of their lives and their relationships. She's been Counseling for more than twenty years and can also boast having been in an enduring relationship for as long.

For more information about me or what I do take a look at my newest website: http://www.acouplesjourney.com/ where you will find lots more information including quizzes and questionnaires. enter your details and you will get a free copy of my limited edition ebook titled 'Relationships - A Couples Journey'.

© 2010 Lidy Seysener - all rights reserved

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Warning Signs of a Failing Relationship - Pick Up The Phone - Series - Part 5

As I continue giving you warning signs of a failing relationship, I must reiterate how important it is to communicate with your partner. When you avoid communication, you can safely assume that there will be trouble down the road. One of the ways to avoid the communication is by not making yourself available for your partner. Are you finding yourself checking the caller ID on the cell phone, only to notice that it is your partner, and then hitting the ignore button? Do you ignore text messages because you have nothing to say? Do you find yourself making excuses as to why you didn't pick up the phone? If any of the above describes what you are doing to your partner, then you really need to ask yourself why you are avoiding conversation.

I'm sure we can all recall a time when we couldn't wait to hear the phone ring, (back in the day there were no cell phones and no caller ID) hoping that it would be that special person. A friendly call to simply say hello and to ask how your day was going was something you waited and waited for. The ringing of the phone was like music to your ears and gave you the fluttering butterfly feeling in your stomach. You had so much to say - yet nothing to say at all. Being in love was so wonderful. And everything that your partner had to say was of the utmost importance! Communication was simple back then because you wanted to tell your partner everything about your day and hear everything about theirs.

Fast forward to today. Now you couldn't care less about their day. I can just picture some of you rolling your eyes to the back of your head when you see the caller ID of your partner come up on your cell phone. The ignore button has never been used so much. You probably hit the ignore button more on your partner than you do on telemarketers. Am I right? Well, all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. Sooner or later you will have to talk to him/her. They will be coming home at the end of the day, and you will need to come up with some valid excuses as to why you couldn't pick up the phone. You can only use the same excuses so many times before your partner starts catching on. Sometimes it takes longer than you think for them to suspect that you are avoiding them at all costs. But eventually they can tell that you just don't want to talk to them. Frustration sets in and accusations start to fly. Insecurity strikes and all of a sudden you're in the middle of a full blown brawl. In your head you know you were just trying to avoid talking to your partner. But in your partner's head, they are conjuring up all types of scenarios as to why you can't, or won't, answer the phone. The lack of communication causes assumptions and before you know it, you are in a screaming battle trying to defend yourself simply because you just didn't feel like hearing your partner's voice.

The sad truth is that if you don't want to hear from your partner, the relationship is on the decline. The sound of their voice should not disgust you or make you hit the ignore button. If things have gotten to a point that you are avoiding calls daily, it is time to get some serious help. The lack of interest in each other's lives means that you are focusing your interests somewhere else. For a while you may be distracting yourself by doing innocent things like shopping, meeting up with friends, or playing a sport. But sooner or later, you may become so detached from your partner's life that you start looking for other ways to fill a void.

The only way you will be able to solve this problem is to communicate until you can pinpoint what made you start pulling away and avoiding your partner. As we all know, trying to do it on your own is very difficult, and most of the time couples can't get to the root of the problem because arguments start when they try to communicate. Both want to get their point across, while at the same time neither want to admit their fault in the matter.

If you are dedicated to your relationship and truly love the person you are with, you will go to any length to save the relationship. We fail to remember that relationships are a work in progress and that maintenance is needed to keep things running smoothly. I can guarantee you that a costly divorce and heartbreak are not the road you want to go down.

Cheers, Coach Lisa
LifeCoachLisa
(440)856-3670
Guiding you to a healthier and happier relationship one session at a time.

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Communication Tips For Fixing Your Relationship

In relationships the individuals affect each other. If the balance is such that both people are happy with it then there is no problem. If it is not it leads to frustration and unhappiness for at least one of them. This was the situation Molly found herself in.

Molly was frustrated because she felt that she had three children even though only two were actual children. Her husband, a good provider, wanted to do his own things after he came home from work. She she was left with making dinner, cleaning up, getting the children ready for bed and taking care of everything else that had to be handled.

Over the years they had fallen into a pattern where she felt burdened and he did what he wanted to after work. No wonder it felt to her like she has an extra child. When I asked Molly how come she permitted this she was put out with me. She did not see herself as an accomplice in the continuation of this pattern.

As we looked at their interaction Molly began to see how easily she backed down when she had made very realistic requests. For instance, she wanted him to watch the children while she ran to the store. He responded with "do you really have to do it now?" She felt guilty, did not say anything else, and stayed home.

Molly began to look at her process and saw that indeed she backed down quickly. He would raise some objection or just make a somewhat negative comment and she did no do what she wanted to do. She started to accept the fact that how she reacted was actually in her control. She was responding to the initial feeling she had when he commented back. She lost sight of following up on what she intellectually knew was a fair request. Once she understood what she was doing she could begin to change what she did. She had to stop herself not to act on the first feeling response. She needed to refocus on her own voice and give herself time to think as to what she really wanted to do.

All relationships fall into predictable patterns. What we all want to achieve is to establish a pattern that allows each the freedom to be who he/she is while at the same time relating with each other as two adults. Molly and her husband in some areas had fallen into a parent child relationship pattern. As Molly trusted herself more she gave up the parental role with him. Instead she expected adult cooperation and they were well on the road to fixing their relationship so that it would be a win-win for both.

Kristina von Rosenvinge's expertise is helping people develop healthy relationships. She is convinced that by knowing effective self-growth and relationship skills that people can find solutions to many of their relationship concerns.. She enjoys teaching these skills on line by holding teleclasses. She invites you to visit http://www.kristinavonrosenvinge.com/ to learn more about what she is doing.

Kristina is passionate about helping people in their second half of life make this the best time of their life so that they can enjoy personal happiness and business success.

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Is Your Relationship Love or Pity

If you are in a relationship and you just feel that something is missing, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to take a close look at what is taking place in your life with your partner at this time. The very real question that is going to have to be answered at the end of your assessing this situation is whether your relationship is based on love or pity.

The individual that you are spending your life with may be your best friend, and the problem is they may not be your lover. It may not be the individual that you are able to have a passionate relationship with that has that deep rooted love that having a partner brings. The individual may be a very close friend that you feel comfortable discussing things with, and sharing your problems with, and having a good time with, but the relationship ends there. If you are not feeling that tug in your heart each time you are with them or looking for them and counting the minutes to when you are going to see them again, then there may be something missing that you need to bring back into your relationship if it's possible.

You may know within yourself that this is not the person that you had thought that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but don't want to hurt them by ending the relationship. So you are now, in your heart, accepting second best even though this is a top rate person. You are not being fair to them or yourself to allow this to continue. It is something that you need to bring out in the open, and many times when this happens it turns out that there has just been something affecting the relationship that can be rectified, and the passion now returns to the marriage or partnership.

Many times with a hectic pace of life, or one or the other going their separate ways without realizing it, they have become selfish in the relationship and have taken the marriage for granted. Sometimes doing a reality check is all that it takes. Then this may not be the case, and it turns out that you are truly in the relationship because of pity. This is where you need to ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life this way, or do you want to give each of you a chance of finding the true love and happiness in a relationship that you expect out of life.

If you find yourself in a shaky relationship you will find lots of advice and information at http://www.livinglifearticles.com/. Also you may want to consider joining http://www.socialnetworkmarketstop.ning.com/ which is a social site where like minded people can discuss issues freely and openly.

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Effective Communication: Relationship Skills for Improved Intimacy

What is Communication?

With over half of the marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, learning to communicate effectively with your partner is crucial. Three common communication misdemeanors in marriage are overreacting, changing the subject and blaming each other, but with motivation and persistence, you can learn constructive communication patterns that can improve your significant relationships and rekindle the intimacy in your marriage. But before we can talk about effective communication, it's important to understand the destructive communication that permeates millions of marriages across the country. Here is a conversation between Jim and Priscilla, a married couple who have one son, Henry:

Jim: You create so many problems. Why did you tell Henry he could try out for football when he hasn't been getting good grades? You always mess things up.

Priscilla (defensively): I do not mess things up! Your problem is you never do anything but sit in front of the TV. If you spent more time with Henry, he would be doing better at school. I always end up doing all the work, and sometimes I wonder why I even married you.

Jim (harshly): You are always putting too much on Henry's plate and setting him up for failure. What kind of mother are you, anyway?

Can you spot the problems in their pattern of communicating? Jim and Priscilla attack each other with an overuse of the word "you," and they make exaggerated statements like "You always mess things up." They changed the subject from Henry playing football to Jim watching TV, to spending more time with Henry, to Priscilla's mothering. Their marriage is headed for trouble unless they get some form of relationship therapy to improve their communication. But just what is communication?

Communication: the act of communicating, intercourse, exchange of ideas, conveyance of information.

The very definition of communication includes an exchange of ideas from each side. When people overreact to one another, as often happens in close relationships, the actual exchange of ideas is blocked, and the possibility of reaching a mutual understanding is diminished. Over time, this lack of understanding often leads to resentment, which can gradually erode the intimacy in a relationship and lead to the ending of relationships that potentially could have become extraordinary. Developing intimate and fulfilling relationships with significant others can lay the foundation for wonderful lives. As a specialist in relationship therapy, (hyperlink if new site allows) I believe that relationships are our most valued resource. But just what is effective communication between two people?

Effective communication is sending the message you want to deliver, in a way that is understood by the other person. It is a two-way process that helps you productively deal with the important topics and common conflicts that are part of life. It involves being proactive in bringing up a problem and being patient in terms of listening while holding back and containing your feelings. Some barriers to strong communication include passivity, problems taking turns, and a lack of curiosity about the other person. Effective communication has many rewards such as more intimacy in your significant relationships, satisfaction and success in life, and positive relationships with your loved ones, friends, clients, customers and acquaintances.

You often have to deal with a variety of people to reach goals along your path, andeffective and empathic communication can help you build successful relationships and work as part of a team to get things done. If you grapple with a mental health challenge, you may want to find a coach, relationship therapist, minister or friend to help you with issues that make effective communication difficult.

Here are six important skills that contribute to the art of effective communication:

1. Become Aware of Your Thoughts and Feelings

If you observe a toddler,you generally seesadness, anger, happiness, joy, love and fear. These are the core emotions, and they often exist in a cluster. It's important to become aware of therange and depth of your feelings and tohang in there with them long enough to understand what you want to communicate and how you want to word your message. If you have trouble knowing what you feel or want, it can help to write down, three times during the day, how you feel about a significant or stressful event. For example, if your spouse gets annoyed with you for not picking up your clothes, you can note whether you feel annoyed, angry, hurt or frustrated as well as other thoughts that are on your mind.

Eric often felt annoyed with his wife, Angela, for nagging him about picking up, but by taking a day off and staying with his feelings longer, he was able to calm down and learn that he also felt hurt. In the process, Eric also became aware of what his thoughts were toward Angela. Eric would think to himself, "Gee, Angela is such a nag, she is always on my case." Instead of talking to her about this, he would often resort to giving her the silent treatment, which is an example of "passive aggressive behavior," and it infuriated Angela. By taking a time-out, Eric was able to get clear about both his thoughts and feelings, and then he could figure out what he wanted to communicate.

Communicating that you feel hurt is much more likely to be heard by a partner than communicating annoyance or anger. In relationship therapy, anger is often considered to be "the lid" on hurt. Knowing you are hurt enables you to soften your message, which can greatly contribute over time to an exceptional relationship. Stay with your feelings long enough to identify the deeper feelings and get clear what you want to communicate. Eric became stronger as a man as he developed his ability to be aware of the range of his feelings and to speak up to Angela instead of sitting on his feelings. This took some courage, but the process became easier over time.

2. Go from Confusion to Clarity

If you are new at getting in touch with your feelings, it may take some time to identify your deeper feelings and get clear about your intended message. You may feel confused and need to stay with the confusion long enough to reach a state of clarity. Most people don't like the feeling of confusion and will try to get out of this state. However, learning to tolerate some uncertainty is central to cultivating stronger and more dynamic relationship skills. It's totally normal to feel confused as you overcome defensive reactions and get to what is deep inside. People who are learning to be in touch with their feelings often need to go through periods of confusion to develop the ability to connect with core emotions. With practice, you can learn to become more connected to your core feelings, which can greatly lead to more intimacy over time.

Keep a journal or make notes: Regularly writing about your confusion can help you sort out your deeper feelings. You need to hang in with your inner self until you get some sense of what you are feeling. Remember, a healthy person knows what they feel and what to do about it. Try on the different feelings (anger, sadness, fear, excitement, frustration), and see what fits. You may have milder versions of these five feelings such as annoyed, hurt, anxious or upset, but they can all facilitate sharing about yourself rather than telling your partner what she or he did wrong.

Eric kept a journal about his feelings (possible hyperlink to Feelings article if site allows) and wrote about his anger toward his mother. This enabled him to realize that he was still angry and hurt by his mother's treatment of him while he was growing up and that these feelings were getting triggered by Angela's requests. Later, he was able to tell Angela that old feelings about his mother were leading to his rebellious behavior in their relationship. When a partner is able to truthfully talk about a desire to rebel, he or she reduces the probability of actually rebelling. Eric told Angela that he wanted to be closer to her and wanted to work on taking charge of his messes. This meant a lot to Angela, and she softened towards him and let him know she wanted to work on her style of communication.

Take responsibility: When both people take responsibility for their part in the stress or ineffective communication, significant progress is possible. In relationship therapy (possible hyperlink), Eric and Angela learned the importance of taking some time to get clear and, instead of blaming each other, owning their separate parts of the conflict.

Angela realized that she resorted to name-calling and blaming when they argued, so she decided to take charge of her part and communicate concerns in a more inviting way. Eric worked to become aware of his feelings and to speak up rather than using the silent treatment. He also took more responsibility around the house by picking up after himself, which meant a great deal to Angela.

It was a real breakthrough for Eric when he could say, "I feel like giving you the silent treatment because I'm hurt, and I want to get even with you." Angela felt a new closeness to Eric because she knew this statement took courage, and they both grew to experience a new intimacy in their relationship. They both agreed to have a "no name calling" rule and to work to own their parts in a problem rather than resorting to blaming each other.

Say what you mean: Before relationship therapy, Angela would use an ineffective way to communicate her annoyance at Eric by saying, "You are such a pig; you never pick up your clothes," which is an attacking and defensive way to communicate that would push Eric away. After therapy, she learned to say, "It annoys me when I see your mess, and it would mean a lot to me if you would pick up regularly." When Eric first heard this message, he was ready to overreact, but the words "it would mean a lot to me" triggered something positive in him. He held back instead. Let's look at the effect that those seven well-chosen words had on Eric.

Initially, he was a bit confused because he was conflicted about the whole subject of being neat. His mother had always barked at him about his room, so this subject brought up some negative feelings from the past. As a teen, Eric wanted to tell off his mother, but he didn't feel safe doing that because he was afraid she would yell at him and take away important privileges instead of hearing his concerns. He grew up in a family where his parents didn't talk things out, and he lacked role models for honest and healthy communication. As a result, he had some suppressed, or buried, feelings toward his mother that were being triggered by Angela. Conflict and over-control of his feelings were leading to confusion. He wondered to himself, "Who am I really angry with -- Angela, my mother or myself?

Take some time: To figure out this problem, Eric stayed with his confusion for several days, telling Angela that he needed to think things through. Angela respected Eric's need for some private time, and this understanding actually helped the two of them. Angela's words "it would mean a lot to me" stayed with Eric, and he felt motivated to change. With the pressure off, he was able to clarify that he wanted to have more intimacy with Angela and that picking up was worth the extra effort. He began to understand his deeper feelings by tolerating a few days of confusion. Although it was challenging, he stuck with the process and it paid off.

Take a time-out: Eric and Angela learned to take a time-out when they were heading toward destructive communication. If you notice that your communication with your partner or spouse is going nowhere, take a time-out from the discussion so you can each calm down and identify what you really want to communicate. On another occasion, Eric and Angela were fighting about issues in their sexual relationship. Eric remembered to take a time-out on this delicate topic and brought the subject up a day later when they had both calmed down. Fortunately, Angela was able to take in what Eric was saying, and they were able to have a meaningful discussion. Each felt understood, and coming to a compromise drew the two closer.

An excellent book on communication and being honest is "Tell Me No Lies," written by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson. This book will help you learn to communicate effectively and speak your truth. If you are not able to succeed on your own, brief relationship therapy can make all the difference. (possible link to site)

3. Be an Activator, not a Procrastinator

Procrastination is postponing the completion of a task that leads to a desired outcome; it's a universal problem that can put your life on hold and interfere with creating a wonderful relationship. You can never get back the lost time, but you can make good use of your time now. Learning to be an activator, or self-starter, is essential to the discovery of an exceptional relationship with yourself and with others.

Far too many couples sit on their uncomfortable feelings and avoid bringing up delicate or difficult topics because they are afraid of the consequences. In relationship therapy, this is often called "conflict avoidance." Why be an avoider when you can learn to manage your feelings in a proactive manner? Activators do the following:

bring up problems as soon as they become aware of them and have figured out how they want to approach problems
take charge and initiate action to communicate with others
manage their anxiety because they want things to run smoothly -- You can do this by focusing on your breathing, making a positive affirmation such as "anxiety is a sign I am growing," and exercising before having the conversation. Really focus on what the other person is saying to take your mind off of yourself.
want to develop the motivation to work toward healthy relationships
share positive feelings and appreciations -- I've seen many couples who want to get closer, but often one of them fails to share appreciation with the other. Learn to communicate your appreciations as soon as you notice them, and you'll be making a giant step toward a flourishing relationship.

4. Take a Positive Approach

When you are upset by your partner, it can be difficult to take a positive approach. It's much easier to harbor negative feelings and forget the wonderful attributes of your partner. Negative feelings can lead to negative, reactive statements if you don't learn to hold back, use these six tools, and remember the good things. As a relationship therapist, I know that unresolved problems require us to put our best foot forward, holding onto the things that matter to us about the other person.

Ted periodically got annoyed at his wife, Rachel, for being too rigid with their kids. After some relationship therapy, he learned to bring up a problem the same day it happened rather than sitting on it until he was ready to explode. This helped keep the conversation calm, and it broke the pattern of explosive, go-nowhere communication. He learned to communicate the following type of message that exemplifies a positive, artful approach:

Rachel, I know you love the kids and are a great mother, but I get angry and hurt when you start laying out a list of rules for the kids. I would love to see you be more supportive when the kids are doing well because you mean the world to them.

Remember to start the communication with something positive, stressing something you value in your partner. Then proceed to dive into the difficult discussion, and remember to make your message clear, effective and empathic. Train your brain to remember the positive things about your partner and try to put yourself in the other's shoes. Rachel could take in Ted's message very well because he artfully communicated it.

Of course, there will be times when your partner will get defensive, so ask your partner or spouse, "How can I word things in a way that will not make you defensive?" and then listen closely to your partner. If the conversation seems to be going nowhere, take a time-out and come back to it. Consider saying to your partner "I need a time-out because I want to get clear about my feelings and get closer to you. I will schedule a time for us to talk in the next two days." A time-out can turn a problem area into an opportunity for greater intimacy. Whoever decides to take the time-out needs to be responsible for bringing the subject up again in a day or two, or some time agreed upon by both partners.

5. Overcome Resistance

Many people have visions about the kind of lives they want to lead, but they don't get around to taking the steps necessary to achieve their goals. Part of actualizing your potential in life is learning to do these things when you don't want to. This is where developing your emotional endurance and willpower really pays off. The following is a mental-health rhyme that is a form of cognitive-behavior therapy. It can provide you with forward-moving thinking. You can create your own message that moves you forward, but this is one that worked for me and is easy to remember:

Persistence

I can pull myself up, against my own resistance

To get a job done that I don't want to do

And I can do it over and over, for as long as it takes

To alter my existence, based on my insistence

That I can create the world that I want.

2006 by Patrice Wolters

Learning to overcome resistance is sometimes the hardest part in making real change because it feels like you don't even want to get started. This is where "kick-in-the-pants" therapy really pays off. Just getting started is an important part of healthy communication because so many people avoid conflict. One good way to get started is to tell your partner or spouse how much you don't want to bring up a topic. This can facilitate a discussion that can lead to actually bringing up the uncomfortable part.

Most people avoid conflict because they think that they don't want to hurt the other person, but in most cases they are really avoiding dealing with theirown feelingsand their fear of being hurt. Remember, you can learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and to manage discomfort, which will increase your probability of reaching the best stage of your life. Say to yourself, "I can get through this conversation and come out the other side. I will be a stronger person for it."

6. Communicate Empathically

This skill often takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort. Mostly it involves "just listening" with your heart to what the other person is saying. With active listening, you can then feed back to the other person (spouse, boss, friend, etc.) what you hear is being said. To do this, listen for the inner feelings of the other person, and focus on what you hear that they want. This method will help you to calm down and focus, and it will invite your partner to bring up topics she or he may prefer to avoid.

Rachel, who sets many rules, might say to Ted, "I understand that you are feeling bothered by the number of rules I set and that you want me to be more balanced with the kids." This type of response lets Ted know that Rachel heard him. It also lowers his annoyance and enables Rachel to focus on him and not her own feelings about being criticized.

While this may seem simple, it is quite a complex process; it involves putting your own feelings aside while showing your partner that you heard his or her response. Managing your own internal strife, listening deeply to what your partner is saying, striving to put yourself in his or her shoes, and asking good questions to promote empathy and understanding will help you develop an extraordinary relationship. And always remember the positive traits that first attracted you to your partner.

If you have lost touch with the positive about your partner, you can learn to find your way forward to a life-enhancing relationship. Remember there is hope, there is help and it can be just a phone call away.

Patrice Wolters, Ph.D., has been studying ways to improve relationship therapy, child and adolescent therapy, and the treatment and diagnosis of bipolar II disorder for over 22 years as a licensed psychologist. She has helped many couples revitalize their marriages, improve family functioning and create healthy environments for children and teens. She is particularly interested in the early diagnosis and treatment of challenges in young people so they can go on to have amazing relationships, resiliency and a joyous life. Her trademark "Go from a Maze to Amazing" represents her model of therapy, which is based in the emerging area of positive psychology. For more information on positive change, visit http://www.patricewolters.com/.

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