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In relationships the individuals affect each other. If the balance is such that both people are happy with it then there is no problem. If it is not it leads to frustration and unhappiness for at least one of them. This was the situation Molly found herself in.
Molly was frustrated because she felt that she had three children even though only two were actual children. Her husband, a good provider, wanted to do his own things after he came home from work. She she was left with making dinner, cleaning up, getting the children ready for bed and taking care of everything else that had to be handled.
Over the years they had fallen into a pattern where she felt burdened and he did what he wanted to after work. No wonder it felt to her like she has an extra child. When I asked Molly how come she permitted this she was put out with me. She did not see herself as an accomplice in the continuation of this pattern.
As we looked at their interaction Molly began to see how easily she backed down when she had made very realistic requests. For instance, she wanted him to watch the children while she ran to the store. He responded with "do you really have to do it now?" She felt guilty, did not say anything else, and stayed home.
Molly began to look at her process and saw that indeed she backed down quickly. He would raise some objection or just make a somewhat negative comment and she did no do what she wanted to do. She started to accept the fact that how she reacted was actually in her control. She was responding to the initial feeling she had when he commented back. She lost sight of following up on what she intellectually knew was a fair request. Once she understood what she was doing she could begin to change what she did. She had to stop herself not to act on the first feeling response. She needed to refocus on her own voice and give herself time to think as to what she really wanted to do.
All relationships fall into predictable patterns. What we all want to achieve is to establish a pattern that allows each the freedom to be who he/she is while at the same time relating with each other as two adults. Molly and her husband in some areas had fallen into a parent child relationship pattern. As Molly trusted herself more she gave up the parental role with him. Instead she expected adult cooperation and they were well on the road to fixing their relationship so that it would be a win-win for both.
Kristina von Rosenvinge's expertise is helping people develop healthy relationships. She is convinced that by knowing effective self-growth and relationship skills that people can find solutions to many of their relationship concerns.. She enjoys teaching these skills on line by holding teleclasses. She invites you to visit http://www.kristinavonrosenvinge.com/ to learn more about what she is doing.
Kristina is passionate about helping people in their second half of life make this the best time of their life so that they can enjoy personal happiness and business success.
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