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Cultivating the Egoistic Nature - Self Esteem
When I first began the study of self mastery, the ego was considered the toxic criminal that caused all emotional and mental problems in life. In fact, it was also blamed for many physical problems as well.
I learned the difference between the sustainable core of being human which is called Self-Worth, and the unreliable ever fluctuating emotional states EGO called Self-Esteem. This was an important milestone in my journey.
Firstly, it was a milestone because prior to that exploration I had never been able to separate them and as it turns out, because I thought they were pretty much the same thing, I often created more emotional problems for myself by trying to solve my existing ones.
Secondly, it was a milestone because it gave me the change to alter, not only my own behaviour, but also the behaviour of others around me. Self-esteem, ego is a reflective energy, and because of that I could cause certain behaviours within me to influence the feelings and thoughts of those around me. This is a vital key in counselling and being a change agent.
This learning didn't come cheap. I first had to learn how to centre and balance myself and because I learned these things from traditional teachers in the East, it took ages and a lot of isolation. Thank goodness I created other ways to do it so I could pass it on to my clients in days instead of years.
Further, the learning didn't come cheap in terms of the warmth, acceptance and love of family and friends because when you step out of conventional emotional and egoistic responses to the everyday conditioning of your culture, you get branded a loony or self-obsessed monkey kissing, tree hugging, dolphin snuggling fruit cake. This is the wonderful perception and title I had to wear from my poor confused family and some friends, for 20 years.
The difference between self-esteem (EGO) and Self-worth (core) is often marginal but when we are in personal trauma, illness, depression or feeling anger, hate, infatuation, resentment, attraction, repulsion, jealousy, envy or frustration, it's extreme.
Self-Worth - Each of us has a single note on the piano keyboard that is ours. One note, no melody, no chorus, just one note. When "stuff happens" and we are expected to react or respond, our self-worth just plays one note. Call this note inner peace, centeredness, the zone, enlightenment, authenticity, inspiration, love, balance, centre, core or whatever, it is a non emotional open hearted singular buoyant and hopeful stance that is emotionally immune.
This Self-Worth is what I call me. It is home, a place to come back to anytime the world gets too big, too confusing, too small, too disappointing, too different to what I'd expected. I just come home to this place, this core. It took 20 years of meditation, yoga and all sorts of strange experiments to find it, but I did. And this is what I share in days. I found a short cut in the end.
But all this Self-Worth is fine until the Poo hits the Fan in someone else's life and you want to go help them. Sitting on a golden throne offering a single noted advice to people might be a "Gaddafi" idea of leadership but for the rest of the planet, it requires some compassion. For this, we need the whole keyboard of piano notes so that we can, in association with others, live in their shoes and feel how they feel.
The big difference is that while one person will play the whole keyboard in helping others, if they don't know where home is, they get sucked into the vortex of other people's energy and emotion and therefore, like the captain going down with the ship, sink while trying to deal with or help others.
Knowing your core, your home, that single YOU note, means you tie off a safety rope to your "Home" then go out and play the keyboard of life, you are out there, helping, leading and loving but never, ever lost in it. It was Jesus who was supposed to have said, "Be in the world but not of the world" and in this one quote he was referring to the ability to play all the notes of EGO and Emotion (in the world) but never lose your authenticity, egoless core, your heart, home - the zone, YOU.
Self-esteem and Self-Worth are chalk and cheese. However self-esteem are like a pair of undies we never took off and eventually we forget we're wearing them and think that mouldy thing is our skin. Truly it's that ugly to meet people who think what they think is who they are. When the ego becomes the identity people take themselves so seriously and at that point humanity is lost, emotion and EGO righteousness takes over and the loudest voice or the saddest story, wins.
Practice Self-Reliance in opinions and action - Self Reliance
The greatest challenge of Self-Reliance is in the development of opinions that are not in synch with others. The only reason this is difficult is because our EGO (see above) loves nothing more than to be right, to win. Hence, we see the formation of an opinion as a challenge to either fight for it or dismiss other's opinion, a competitive OpinionLympics" -
This is because people often think that they are what they think. Instead, Self-Reliance comes from the capacity to accept that others have the right, just like you have the right to an opinion, and that opinion is as adaptable and flexible as bamboo. Here are some hints for Self-Reliance.
Be open to evidence of other interests in your life
Be candid in considering those other interests
Be sympathetic with conditions different to your own
Be self controlled in your attitude toward all
Be unswayed by prejudice
Be respectful of other opinions and do not try to draw a right answer in debate
Be able and willing to put yourself in others shoes
Be unflinchingly true to your best conclusions
Be faithful to all your agreements
Be responsive to all legitimate relations
Be tireless in maintaining this regime.
Apply the above to the: child, parent, wife, husband, relatives, neighbours, employers, employees, competition, colleagues, other trades, other professions, to all in your social class, those above, those below, friends, acquaintances, enemies, guests, hosts, temporary associates, members of your organisation, other organisations, non members of organisations, your party, other parties, your state, others states, your nation, other nations, to people of the same language as you, your nationality, other nationalities, the whole human race, to the living, to the yet unborn, to other people's Gods, to your God.
Get used to handling difficult situations by acceptance and resolutely doing your best - Hardiness
The one thing I found hard to deal with in my life is my incompetence. I thought that it would go away with time, or be resolved by rationality, logic and premeditated planning. HA HA...
As it turns out "Stuff Happens" and when it does, the best way through it is simply accept that "stuff happens" and then resolutely, without doubts, just do your best" and take solace.
I used to snow ski. I wanted to go down every "black" run there was. I couldn't because of one thing: I didn't know how, or wasn't confident in my ability to STOP. It's the same with life. If you know you can handle hardships, troubles, difficulties then you jump in, play the keyboard and have a ball.
While the rest of the world have the same experiences you do, they often get up and promise themselves they will never do that again, rather than saying, "well if that S...t ever happens again, I'll be good at handling it"Many healing process are incomplete.
The way to know if you've really dealt with a drama is to ask "would you give it to your best friend?" if the answer is no then you still haven't found the blessing, the silver lining, the balance.Strength does not come through rigidity or avoidance, it comes from expanding the range of environments in which you stay cool. And this is a vital part of my teaching. The process to deal with stuff as it happens.
Here's an example: My first marriage failed. I went through hell in a handbag. Took me five years to sort myself out. My third marriage took a few days to deal with breaking up. Instead of promising myself I'd never get divorced again, I promised myself I'd get good at it so, if it did happen I wouldn't be afraid of it and hang onto a dead relationship for eight years longer than it needed because that hurts everybody.
So, instead of saying to my partner "don't break my heart" I simply say, "you can't"
Chris Walker http://www.chriswalker.com.au/ is a visionary business consultant and of the world's leading facilitators of Personal/Professional Development. Author, consultant and professional speaker, his considered a leader in the field of human potential and lifestyles for success. His VIP and Mastery Programs have been attended by thousands of individuals around the world seeking tools to live life and manage their careers to their fullest potential. http://www.chriswalker.com.au/
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