Always in the Wrong?

When we talk about being in the wrong we have to carefully consider each situation in which this feeling arises before we can conclude whether one, both, all or no parties actually hold that precious aim of rightness in their hands.

It's genuinely rare in any human relationship that any one party is completely right or wrong because there are always emotions involved and everyone has a right to their own feelings on a subject. Much as someone else's reaction may not suit you it is their reaction to the current situation and they have a right to it.

Also, emotional reactions tend to be just that, and the majority of us will have had a few times in their life when they wish they'd had the wisdom to stop and think rather than react immediately and with anger. However, it happens and you just have to get past the memory.

It's very sad if it ruins a relationship for you, but by the same token anyone who truly loves you will see past the inappropriate anger and be willing to talk about it. So if someone is insistent on taking offence and closing down the lines of communication then you know that you don't have a real and close relationship with that person.

It's awful when this happens and if you're a decent human being it is very hard to hang on to the idea that you are a nice person when another person or other people are hurling venom and vitriol in your direction, and most especially when they are telling other people how awful you are.

In such situations it is wisest to shut up and not engage further otherwise the mess gets bigger and more horrible, but that's very hard to do when your very soul is crying out for fairness, justice and to be heard.

I've often pondered whether it is wise to be quite or whether we all have the birthright to defend ourselves, and I have to say that I've reached no clear answer. The nearest I can come is to take each situation individually and handle them accordingly. However, here are a few questions you can ask in difficult situations to help you to decide what to do:

1. How close am I to this person? In other words, would never seeing them again affect me?

2. Does this person continually fall out with people, are they always in the middle of an emotional mess?

3. Is this a reasonable person? Can I give it time for both of us to calm down and then talk to them easily?

4. If I don't sort this mess out will other people suffer? If so, how can I avoid that?

5. Is this a work colleague? If so, until I can change departments or leave I need to find a way to be civil.

6. Are the actions of this person/these people affecting my reputation, especially my business?

7. Is this person continually involved in this kind of situation with people other than you?

8. Most importantly, has this person got a very real reason to be easily upset at this time?

There are more questions but you get the idea. I can't answer them for you but you can see how depending on the relationship, who else is involved, and the situation, there are a number of ways you can handle them and none of those ways involve you deciding who was wrong or right. Especially question 8.

That's deliberate.

One of the things I find very difficult to deal with is the idea that one grown adult should tell another grown adult off, or that it is the role of one adult to 'bring another adult up' as if they were nothing more than an overgrown child. It's rude, it's emotionally debilitating, and it is neither your right nor your role.

If a person is truly rude then they will continue to have problems in other relationships and it is their role in their own life to understand that. The best thing you can do is walk away if you can, or do your best to have no feelings towards that person at all.

This is a VERY hard thing to do, but if for example this is your sister or brother-in-law then do it you must. The sooner you can get to the point that they can be rude to you and you can smile gently and ask if anyone wants a coffee, or they can pick a fight and you respond with humour the better. All I would say is that if you have someone in your family, at work, or in a social situation you can't escape who is given to gossiping and telling tales then make sure that as much as possible you are never alone in the same room as them and never speak to them on the phone without witnesses. It sounds extreme, but if people are that difficult then you must be sensible and protect yourself.

Finally, let's look at failing your own standards.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you don't react well in a situation. You know it, you try really hard to make things right, but no matter what you do it just goes from bad to worse. You may even get frustrated and say something that you would not normally say and afterwards want to bite off your tongue!

Firstly, if you can apologise. If that apology is accepted then forgive yourself too. If it is not, as long as your apology was sincere then you know that either your relationship with this person has gone as far as it can, or you and this person were never truly close. However, if you feel the need, give it a little more time and try to apologise again. If your sincere apology is not accepted the second time then walk away if you can, or create an emotional remoteness from the person and smile and nod politely when you see them.

The thing you have to remember more than anything else, is that you are HUMAN. Moreover, every single person on this planet without exception is HUMAN. It's not good to behave badly, but it is HUMAN.

Alongside your fallible humanity you must always take into consideration what you were going through at the time. If someone dear to you has just died or a romantic relationship has broken up then there will be nothing logical and 'normal' about your feelings and reactions. If the people around you can't handle that then they're not the right people.

Please, just learn to a) trust yourself, you know you're a nice person and do your best, and b) learn to forgive yourself.

I hope that this article has given you some useful ideas as to how to manage difficult situations.

Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and positive relationships.

Deb

Deb Hawken - Medium, Inspirational Speaker, Writer
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"One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star" (Nietzsche)

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