A Widow's Manifesto

Seventeen year old girl with Widow's peak

Being a widow is quite a gig.
Before Lee, my late husband, died, I sometimes wondered what life would be like if I ever had to live without him. I got some things right, especially the part about missing him so much.

Other things, though, I didn't even anticipate. One of them was how women would interpret my friendliness as flirtatiousness toward their husbands.
To make the situation even more difficult is that God made me to be an encourager. It's typical for me to encourage someone--whether male or female--in person or by snail or e-mail. I've found that, now I'm a widow, such encouragement isn't always welcome.

One day a wife's response toward me pained me so much that I cried. How could she think my encouragement toward her husband was flirting? (Ironically, I'd also encouraged her at the same time.) A day or two later, I told myself that I knew I wasn't flirting, God knew I wasn't flirting, and that was enough. I'd cry no more tears over such a situation--and I haven't.

Either way, here's the scoop. I'm not on the lookout for a husband. Even if I were, I can say one thing with absolute certainty--God definitely will not lead me to yours! True, there might be women (widowed or single) who are husband-hunting and are targeting your husband. But I'm not among them.

Does that mean I will or won't marry again? God knows, not I. I don't even know if I'll ever date. (For me, being widowed doesn't automatically mean I'm available.)
My attitude has long been that the world needs more friendliness, and I intend to do my part in contributing to it. God gave me my personality. Even though I'm now a widow, I'm not going to say no thanks to God and give it back!

Lee's words to me a few years before his death convince me even more that I've made the right decision. During a conversation about something or other, I told Lee that I was more comfortable talking with men than women.

(As background, I grew up a tomboy in a neighborhood overwhelmingly populated with boys. They consented to let me play ball with them because I was the one who owned a baseball bat, ball, and pitcher's glove. My dad had played baseball and taught me to pitch. I enjoyed playing the game, even though I was the only female player. I was still delighted, though, when a girl my age moved into the neighborhood when I was nine or ten. I played baseball with her brother. I played dolls with her.)

Lee didn't say much after I told him how I felt about being more comfortable talking with men. A day or two later, though, his response may surprise you as much as it did me. In so many words, Lee said, if he were me, he wouldn't be concerned because I communicated better with men than with women. Then he added, since that was the way I felt, I should spend more time talking with men!

Now that Lee has died, I've found that's a problem. Why? Because there's another thing I didn't anticipate. There are men (married and single) who also perceive my friendliness as flirtatiousness. It amazes me. But, again, I'm not going to change my personality because of false perceptions. I'll do the same thing I do when wives think I'm flirting with their husbands. I'll keep my distance.

Here's yet another side to this story.
There are married men who subtly, yet surely, have been attracted to me and come awfully close to being flirts themselves. Ladies, how do I feel if your husbands appear to forget that they're married? Frankly, I'm disgusted. Your husbands should love and respect you. I welcome their friendliness. I don't welcome their inappropriate attention.

I can only imagine how you feel if your husband is a flirt. Lee was not. I was never concerned when we were apart for him to attend conventions. At one convention, one of Lee's male colleagues even said to Lee that he was there at the convention, but his mind was still at home.
And that's the way I was with Lee when I had to be away. We were faithful to each other. Always.

Unfortunately, I'm also finding that single guys also sometimes think I'm flirting. They seem to think I'm trying to get them to put a ring on my finger (i.e., a wedding band). Nope, guys, I'm not flirting with you. I'm just being friendly. I subscribe to the idea that a person can't have too many friends. So, I'm offering you the opportunity for us to be friends. It's your decision whether or not you accept the offer.

Now, with all of this talk about flirting, I have a confession to make. I did flirt. Once.
Lee and I met in college. We dated for quite a while, long enough to know we loved each other and had voiced how we felt.
Then summer ended and fall semester began. We had only been back in college a day or two when Lee broke up with me. Saying I was devastated doesn't even come close to describing how I felt. I trusted Lee when he said he loved me. And although we weren't much more than kids when we did fall in love, I expected him to mean what he said.

A week later, Lee asked me out again. I accepted. At the same time, I wanted him to know that just because I was going out with him didn't mean that I was going to make his life easy.
When it was time for refreshments, I saw one of Lee's friends at the other side of the table. I spoke to Lee's friend by name and flirted outrageously with him. (The poor guy didn't know what to do. Every time I've thought about it since then, I still feel a bit sorry for him.)

I'll admit it. I don't do just a good job at flirting. I did a great job of it. I'm talking Academy Award, Oscar on my shelf, great.
Lee was furious. When we returned to our seats, his words were, "You can flirt on your own time!"
But I never did. And I'm not about to start now.
Since Lee's death, I've done a lot of thinking about how my life has changed.

One thing I've concluded is:
It's my life.
Someone has to live it.
So, it might as well be me.
Yes, I will live my life. Without flirting. Finding joy in each day with the personality God gave me. And thanking God and rejoicing that I was married to a husband who loved and adored me. I cherish the legacy!
Relationships between men and women are complicated enough as it is. But when one becomes a widow, she finds such relationships go from complicated to entangled. Entanglements multiply even more when wives think widows are flirting with their husbands.

Vicki Snyder is a prolific author who writes about Christian women setting and achieving goals from her blog, http://www.asdarlingasadaisy.com/.

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