July 11, 2011

Gerbil Judging

Gerbil (castrated male) eating a sunflower see...

Oh my! Perhaps a smidgen of wisdom is beginning to appear in this graying head of mine. I now find myself truly listening to what comes out of my mouth. And, darn, some of the phrases are giving me reason to think a bit.

The words "I can't" have taken on some real significance for me as I ponder and wander through my days. When I hear myself saying, "I can't," I now realize that what I am actually putting forth are the words, "I choose not to." And, these words give me pause. They make me stop and really consider what is going on with me. What is it I am about? Am I saying "I can't" because I have another obligation or am I saying "I can't" because I don't want to?

If I am choosing not to do something, that is fine. But I must own the decision as I have a right to do. So shall I be brave and authentic and simply tell someone that "I choose not to" participate in a gerbil-judging contest? Or is it kinder and more polite to say, "Gee, I'd love to judge gerbils, but I can't. I have to take my mother to the doctor"? This does cause a moral morass though, because now that I have not owned my decision, I have put two untruths on the table. I actually do not want to judge gerbils and my mother is perfectly healthy.

Heck, let's be real here-I have lied. Now these lies will come back to bite me at the most unexpected moments. The person I have lied to will invariably ask, "How is your mother doing? What happened at the doctor's?" Then, I am left a tad flat-footed as my brain scrambles to reclaim the memory of my polite transgression of the truth. "Oh, she just had a heart murmur, but the doctor whispered that it was nothing," I squeak out in a this-sounds-sort-of-okay manner, desperate to cover the excuse I manufactured weeks ago.

Why could I not simply have said, "Gee, I don't want to judge gerbils, but thanks for asking"? Why on earth is it more important to be "nice" than to be honest and just state my preference? Do I truly think that my participating in some activity will make or break the thing? I am certainly not that important! But, I shuffle and waffle with what I really feel and want to do. I'm a wimp about putting the real me out there. In the belief that I must please someone else, I have compromised my own peace of mind and set a tangle of untruths on the loose.

My friend just called to ask what I was doing this Saturday. I told her I wasn't busy. She was all excited and delighted as she said, "Great! There's another gerbil-judging contest and now you can go!" ARGH...

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