Four Reasons for Communication Meltdown

Communication Meltdown: The point of no return in our exchanges with others when neither party is listening to the other because frustration and anger have taken over.

Everyone has experienced that frustrating moment of communication meltdown at one point or another. Whether it's the first big argument with your romantic partner, a disagreement with your colleague at work, or a misread (or maybe not misread) Facebook post, we all have experienced conflict because words were taken out of context or were said without reflection on the repercussions of them once they came out of our mouths. The tricky thing about communication is that there are often two conversations going on at that same time...the literal words that come out of our mouths AND the interpreted message that people get from those words. Communication is a learned skill, meaning that our childhood experiences, cultural background, and individual life experiences are the foundation for our communication styles and patterns. Given our diverse backgrounds, there could be several "languages" being spoken in one conversation all at the same time. No wonder we are so "hit and miss" in how we convey and interpret meaning in our exchanges with others! In my coaching and training work, I find that, although there are tons of reasons why we end up in communication meltdown, the most common reasons include...

1. Assuming that people know what you mean...I hear this so often, especially in regard to romantic relationships. The griping goes, "We've been together for 10 years, he should know what I meant by that..." (READ: Even though we are two complete individuals, he should be in tune with ALL of my feelings and emotions and be able to READ MY MIND). It sounds ridiculous when you put it like that, right? However, we engage with people at this level all the time.

Talk Tip 1: Don't assume that people are mind readers. Even if you've been together for (fill in) years. Remember communication is a LEARNED skill that's loaded with our past experiences and emotional baggage, and the way you learned is not necessarily the way the other person has. Say exactly what you mean, and ask for the other person to shoot it back to you (preferably in their own words) to check for understanding. There's nothing worse than finding out that all the time you've been arguing with someone, you both have been arguing about two different things because no one checked for understanding.

2. Responding based off the mistakes of others...Eric Roberson, one of my favorite songwriters, wrote a song called "Previous Cats," and the first part of the chorus goes, "I'm not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats. You gotta see me for me." Now, he's talking to his girlfriend in the song, but we can relate to these lyrics on various levels...being overly suspicious about co-workers in your new job because of the hot mess of a job you just left...responding to your child based on YOUR actions as a child or the actions of an older sibling...not frequenting a restaurant with many chains because of poor service at one location (OK, that's me)...we could go on and on with this.

Talk Tip 2: Deal with individuals based on your experience with them, not on the past mistakes of others or previous painful experiences. Yes, we can use similar past experiences as a gauge for how to respond to something happening now (that's wise). However, we also have to engage with people based on their own merits. The former way of interacting with others encourages us to build emotional walls, which surely won't help in strengthening our communication or relationships with others.

3. Failing to listen...thinking about what you are going to say while the other person is talking is NOT listening...it's just waiting to speak! Operating in this manner is extremely obvious, disrespectful, and it sends a message to the other person that what they have to say is not important or that you don't care. It doesn't encourage the other person to work towards coming to some type of understanding with you.

Talk Tip 3: We must be fully present as we take in the words of the person speaking to us. At the core, every human being wants acknowledgement... to know that someone sees you, hears you, and finds value in what you bring to the table. By being an active listener, you acknowledge the speaker, express your attentiveness with your noon-verbal cues (i.e. eye contact, facial expressions, head nodding, etc.) and take some responsibility for making sure you understand the message they are trying to give you.

4. Speaking without thinking...this is a big one in our instant-gratification-loving culture. It is the ugly twin of "failing to listen" because we become overly focused on what we want to say, than how what we want to say is connected to what the other person has just told us. Tackling this monster is critical to building understanding.

Talk Tip 4: Take a minute to process the message you have just received before responding. The goal is to respond, not just to react. It's perfectly fine (and wise as well!) to ask someone to repeat themselves for your understanding or to ask for a minute to think about something (especially if it's a heated argument...It's hard to take words back after you've said them!). We sometimes think that we have to be speaking at all times because silence is awkward, but awkward moments can be stomached if they will lead to understanding!

Laura E. Knights has been training youth and adults in the areas of job skill and life skill acquisition and strategy, and developing and managing programs to empower people for the last 12 years. She is a speaker, trainer, and consultant for groups, businesses, and community organizations. Additionally, she works as a life coach to help individuals move beyond negative, limiting belief systems to overcome barriers and walk in their full potential. Learn more about her; sign up for her monthly inspirational newsletter, Empowered Living!; and register for her dynamic workshops at http://www.lauraeknights.com/.