Stop Telling Me It's Your Policy

A couple of weeks ago, I walked out of my local grocery store with deep disbelief and vexation. What had begun as a pleasant shopping experience with my retired 65-year-old mother, turned out to be a sad demonstration of how even the most mindless behavior these days can be justified by giving it a name that is designed to cast a veil of respect and authority upon it. That name is "policy," and my mother and I had just become the latest victims of its abusive use.

Here is what happened: After filling our shopping basket with some groceries, my mother decided to get a nice bottle of California Chardonnay to go with our family dinner later that evening. Once she had found the kind of wine she wanted, we emptied our basket on the grocery belt and my mother got ready to pay - at least that was the plan. The reality turned out to be much more complicated than that. There was a serious issue with my mother and the store's alcohol policy.

Thus, as soon as the cashier saw the wine coming on the belt, something clicked in her brain and the word "policy" took over the situation and immediately killed any common sense and discretion that should have been there to ensure a smooth and dignified shopping experience for the store's customers. The cashier stopped the belt, looked at my mother and asked to see her ID. She didn't seem to care about the fact that my mother clearly looks elderly and that any person with even a hint of sense left in his brain would see that she is in her sixties. I guess the cashier just heard the word "policy" ringing in her ears, muting any sounds of reason that tried to have their desperate little voices heard - an event sadly too common in the modern world.

My mother is from Scandinavia, and she didn't really understand what the cashier wanted her to do. She speaks great English, but her brain just didn't register her question, so implausible it was for her. I quickly told her that the cashier wanted to see her passport because she is buying wine (she doesn't have a U.S. ID). My mother looked at me with disbelief in her eyes and started searching for her passport from her purse. After 30 seconds or so, she handed the passport to the cashier. This should have been the end of the story, but unfortunately we weren't off the hook yet. The cashier looked deeply confused when she saw the passport - a foreign form of identification. She immediately called her supervisor to come and check the passport to make sure it was OK to sell the wine to my mother (probably part of the store policy too). Sure enough, the supervisor arrived with firm steps and after carefully investigating the passport she finally gave us the "all clear."

The supervisor looked satisfied with a job well done, but I was far from happy. I asked her politely why her store is asking for an ID from a 65-year old woman. The supervisor looked at me with a stony face and said rudely, "This is our company policy. Everyone has to show their ID when they purchase alcohol. No exceptions; it's our policy."

I was getting pretty irritated at this point and asked if the supervisor would consider using common sense instead of harassing elderly people who spend money in their store. That was a mistake. The supervisor got furious and snapped, "Why don't you try to get some manners?" After that, she left the scene, her face fuming with anger. I was sure that she would call the police and try to have me arrested. I seriously thought that was going to happen - the world being the ridiculous oversensitive place it has become.

My experience at the grocery store is however just one example how companies and other entities are increasingly trying to scare us with their "policies" and make us believe that breaching or even questioning those policies (however dumb they may be) is a very serious offense and something that should be avoided at all costs. Just think about flying for example. That entire form of transportation is reaching a point where good old-fashioned common sense has been almost totally replaced by senseless policies and scare tactics. Flying is ten times worse than my shopping experience was and you do get arrested or kicked off the plane if you dare to question the airlines' policies or make the mistake of raising your voice when you are mistreated. It doesn't matter how stupid or unreasonable their rules are. It doesn't matter because we are talking about their holy and untouchable "policy" - the invisible King that commands the hapless travelers. Yes, the very people who dare to enter their domain and spend their hard earned money flying their planes.

I mean, come on. People are kicked off planes because their pants hang a little low. Little children are patted down like criminals. We are threatened with arrest if we don't do exactly what the ever-more powerful flight attendants and airport agents tell us to do. Even the waitress at the airport deli could probably get us arrested if we would dare to complain about bad service too loudly. That is just insane, and yet we accept it because we are taught to be afraid of these "powerful" people who work at the airports and on planes.

Surely, we are dying to complain when we are treated badly and with disrespect, but the fear inside us tells us to suffocate the words that are fighting to come out off our mouths. We stay quiet and look at our shoes, eat our words like good little subjects when King Policy raises his voice. We keep our talk quiet and tread carefully because we know that one wrong move could get us in handcuffs and in a world of trouble. We refrain from challenging stupidity because that might just get us kicked off the plane, ruin our vacation and possibly subject us to heavy fines and even court proceedings. The only thing we - the customers who keep these companies in business - can do is to swallow all our pride for the sake of a few senseless minds that create these ridiculous policies and enforce them without one reasonable cell in their body. We bow in front of the demands of these human robots that serve the King Policy with fool's pride. If we choose not to, the robots will threaten us with the power their master has granted them. If we complain, they scold us and quickly put us in our place, basking under the halo of power that only their master, the King Policy, can provide them.

Not all policies are of course bad, but it is worrying that the word "policy" is increasingly abused and used to cover a hodgepodge of mindless activity that should never exist in the first place. This activity is now creeping its way from airports into grocery stores, hotels, restaurants, etc., and penetrating our everyday life - making us wary and afraid to correct wrongs and criticize bad behavior. This is a disturbing trend that must be stopped in its tracks. We have to wake up and realize that stupid behavior is stupid no matter how it is labeled. We must challenge foolishness and improper conduct, no matter what it is called. That is the only way to stop idiotic policies from spreading their spidery fingers and making our lives less enjoyable.

Surely, it is hard to fight against these powerful windmills at an individual level, but one solution is to simply avoid places where policy has replaced brains. I don't, for example, shop at stores where I'm treated like a little ant who bows to anything as long as it's called "policy." I try to keep flying at minimum due to the craziness that has engulfed our airports and planes. I try to steer away from power-hungry people who get satisfaction from fulfilling every whim of their precious King Policy - the King that provides them with that brief moment of glory, the moment when they feel powerful, important and proud. Sadly, they fail to realize that they too are just victims of the King - just like the rest of us are...

It is time to rip away the undeserved powers of the fools' policies and show their creators that we don't respect them if they fail to meet even the lowest standards of prudence and common sense. It's time to tell them that abusing the word "policy" is no longer acceptable among us who still have some reason and good judgment left in us. It's time to tell them that we won't tolerate craziness - not even if they label it with that precious stamp that says in black bold letters: COMPANY POLICY.

Hi,

I'm J. Max Cromwell, the author of 22 Inches of Rain and Poems For Men Who Absolutely Hate Poetry.

Cheers,

Jmax

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Reduce Stress By Telling People What You Need

Do you have things you need to get your job done? Are there things you need for your house or car? What about repairs that need to be made?

Most people have a long list of things they need, for work, for home, for school, and for many other things. While they have the lists they keep them secret from anyone and everyone, as if the list is a top government secret. All this does is create more stress for everyone as work does not get done and needs are not met.

What is the secret?

Too often people assume others know or should know what is needed for a job or particular activity. This is not the case. What one person needs may not be the same as another. The person may not be thinking about what you need to complete your job, their mind may have raced off to the next thing they need to do. It could be they may not have a clue of what is needed. Perhaps the person that did that job before used their own tools or had different resources.

Are you answering the question?

Then perhaps the person asks "what do you need?" and you do not answer, or give an answer that does not tell them what you need. If you are asked in a group, and for some reason have a different need than the group, answer the question, in the group or privately later. Many couples have one person or the other complain about not knowing what the other wants. This is typically because the other person refuses to answer the "what do you need / want?" question.

Are you sharing?

Keeping your list a compete secret is not helping you get things done or getting you what you need. Most people are not mind readers. They can not know what you need if you do not tell them. It is not bad to tell people what you need. It is much better to remind them again later that you still do not have what you need, rather than to be asked why you did not do something you should have. Stand up for what you need.

What else do you need?

Sometimes what you need is time, less stress, less things to handle, or knowing what is the highest priority. Make certain to ask for those things as well. By telling others what you need, you may be surprised at how much stress it releases. You no longer need to handle looking for what you need. Now, you are able to focus on what you can do until you get what you need, rather than worry how what you need is going to appear.

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How Important Is Telling The Truth To Men?

The Good Men Project recently posed a simple question to its readers: How important is "telling the truth" to your sense of what it means to be a "good" man? 80% of respondents answered "very important," a fact that made me happy. If this were baseball, batting .800 would be considered stratospheric. But that still leaves the 20% who don't embrace truth as a man's most defining quality. These guys are batting.200-which doesn't qualify them to play in the majors, or even the minors, as men.

If one of out five men may or may not be telling the truth at any given time when talking with friends, business colleagues, wives, girlfriends, or family - that makes them a risky bet in terms of whether or not they can be trusted to be honest. And since trust is the cornerstone of all relationships, where does that leave the people in these guys' lives?

I'd like to give an example from a men's group I run, where telling the truth has been our gold standard and bottom line since our first meeting.

A serial cheater suggested one evening that he cheats on his wife because sex with her had become boring. He didn't get a pass. When pushed to tell his authentic truth, he admitted that he'd never trusted his wife, and when pushed further, added that he'd never been emotionally intimate with her either. Lack of trust and emotional intimacy was his truth, not boredom. While he was certainly free to continue his extra-marital behavior, he wasn't free-at least within the group-to ignore his truth.

Dogen, a Japanese Zen Master, wrote about truth, succinctly, "If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"

I believe that every man-including the.200 hitter who says he doesn't consider honesty very important to his manhood-knows his truth in his heart, but not every man always has the courage to tell it and face the consequences. It's all about intention. I believe that our intentions define us because they are the rationale for our behavior as men. If a man's intention is to be honest, he will be. It's that simple. The.800 sluggers do have that intention, awareness, and courage and I feel we have a responsibility to our brothers who struggle to bat.200 to help them see that honesty in becoming better men is, in fact, "very important."

Thinking about the results of this survey prompted me to examine my own batting average. I enjoy a solid reputation for honesty with my friends, but wanted to find out how important this quality was to my wife. Even though we're in our sixties and have been around the relationship block a few times, we've only been married four years, and I wasn't completely sure what she'd say. So, trying not to put words in her mouth, I came at the question indirectly: "What attracted you to me when we first met and what is it that you still find attractive?"

After thinking a moment, she said, "Integrity." Although she's a writer, she's also an editor, and sometimes her responses are a bit short and sweet. So I prodded her to elaborate. "You're always honest and tell the truth as you see it, no matter what the consequences," she added. A grand-slam homer over the right field wall at Fenway Park-and exactly the kind of validation I was hoping for. I was proud of myself, and prouder still to be married to such a smart, cool-headed woman. In that moment I realized that my wife really "gets" me in terms of the man I try to be.

In candor, I admit that telling a small lie to my wife-and to my customers when I owned a financial-services company, raising mezzanine capital for high-tech companies and wineries-sometimes has been tempting. I've always resisted, though, because once you stretch the truth, the lie takes on a life of its own. You become its slave, having to make up more and more lies and getting farther and farther from the truth. There's no worse feeling than not being able to stand in your truth and look someone directly in the eye without flinching.

By telling my truth here, I realize that I risk offending some men, particularly those who choose to bat.200. I call them like I see them, though. Men, who make telling the truth their priority deserve to be honored and to feel good about their manhood. I celebrate them for their adherence to truthful intention. Those who don't might consider remedial batting practice, rethinking the importance of truthfulness as a "very important" aspect of their manhood. "Somewhat important" isn't even bush league. Maybe it's time to step up your game.

Play ball!

For twenty years, author and lecturer Ken Solin has helped men move beyond the issues that limit their lives. Both men and women follow Ken since his work is primarily about relationships.

Ken's website, http://www.kensolin.com/ is filled blogs about real life problems.

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